Excuses Excuses

    "Organized chaos" is what I often refer to as my life and home when asked how I do it on my own  with three children, a full time job, and a home to manage.  This is the little white lie I tell others and myself so that I don't go completely over the edge or embarrass myself.  We laugh, I get the "back or arm rub" (AKA poor single mom Lindsay rub) to indicate their pity for me, and I am given the obligatory statement, which in a nutshell tells me how great I am doing.  While I may seem to have a pretty good handle on things on the surface, the truth is, time management and prioritizing  are always will be one of my greatest weaknesses. Early on in my separation I had a crash course on self-sufficiency.  Guess I missed the lesson on time management and prioritizing with three children and a full time job.
     Just do it, right?  Get organized, prioritize, establish time limits.  Easy as 1, 2, 3. Not for me when I have other responsibilities (you know, two toddlers and a preschooler).Caring for children is a legitimate reason for disorganization. Now for the real excuses... the appeal of the internet (e-mails, Facebook, blogging), the book I am currently reading, reality television, and that much needed glass of wine that all beckon for me and vie for my attention before the kids' heads even hit the pillow.  By the time I get home at night I am exhausted so the thoughts of cleaning and organizing are simply horrifying.  I can barely manage to get dinner made, read to the kids, throw in that necessary load of laundry, pick out clothes for the next day, and bath the kids (whew-typing that made me tired) before collapsing into bed.
   I have prided myself on NOT using the "single parent card" to obtain attention or help from others. Privately  though, the single parent card is used as an excuse for why I am not organized.  This is what I tell myself as I wade through the toys on the living room floor, swear to myself as I rummage through the cabinets only to realize that every last sippy cup is in the dishwasher I haven't yet run, and stepped over the mountain of laundry into my bathroom only to find that I don't have any toilet paper left. Procrastination has always been my best quality in good times and bad.  Learning what can be lived with and what needs immediate attention is what I need to work on.
   Time never seems to be on my side. When I do have down time after the kids are in bed, I lose my self in a book or spend way too much time on the phone or facebook.  Those things I swore I would get done just never were accomplished because there always was tomorrow. Who wants to do housework?  Loading the dishwasher just does not trump the episode of Grey's Anatomy I have been waiting all week to watch.  The whole nasty cycle only begins again in the morning as I grumble and groan and beat myself up for the inability to prioritize what needed to be done yesterday!
    Someday I will find my happy medium.  For now, organized chaos it is. Spending time with my kids is much more important than scrubbing baseboards and having a showcase home.  Even though it kills me deep down, I can live with the clutter and mess for now.....
 

The Simple Life

Ethan and Eva have a very unique daycare situation. Instead of being one of 8 daycare children under the watchful eye of "licensed" provider, the twins have been blessed to be cared for by a Mennonite family. Life on the farm without modern conveniences such as electricity, a telephone, television, or even a microwave have become the norm for my twins while I am at work.  Initially, I had concerns about communication without a land line or cell phone. In the event of an emergency, I wondered what would happen?!?!  The thoughts of my twins being taken to the hospital, God forbid, by horse and buggy was terrifying.  I learned quickly that the family was extremely resourceful and communication was never a problem.  With my nerves settled, I began to realize how fortunate my twins were to be a part of this simple way of life.
  The family dynamic is one of a kind.  There are eight children. Of the eight, seven of them are girls and the last born was the boy they had obviously been trying for.  Contributions to the family are made by all with simplicity seeming to be of great  importance to their daily lives.  You won't find them dressed in hip wardrobes nor does the family own a full loaded van. As a matter of fact, their possessions are quite sparse. The furniture is mismatched, shopping  at second hand stores is quite common, and they make their own clothes.  While most of us would gasp in horror at the thought of having to shop at Vintage Values or make a dress, this is their norm.  The best part though is that they are just fine with it and better yet, feel no shame.  They have mastered the art of differentiating between needs and wants. At times, I am in awe of their easy ability to do so.
  This leads me to the purpose of my blog.  Never in a million years could I live as the Mennonites do.  Thoughts of not being able to access the internet is unimaginable, doing without Dunkin Donuts coffee daily might just kill me, and my kids way too many Disney movies. My point is though, that we should not feel compelled to keep up with the Joneses. To feel as though you have to maintain a certain standard of living to fit in is insane.  Your possessions, the size of your house, the vehicle you drive, the clothes you buy are not important in the whole scheme of things. Constantly needing to upgrade as a form of competition with others is ludicrous and quite toxic. Inviting company into your home or giving someone a ride in your vehicle shouldn't incite waves of panic because of the fear that what you have isn't good enough.  Shame over materials things is downright embarrassing.  Sure, we all like to have nice things but stop and appreciate what you have first.  Be grateful even for the little things.
  The Mennonites have found the perfect equation to a happy life-simplicity.  Their priorities are God, family, and morals as are mine.  My definition of simplicity my not be as rigid as theirs but similarly, we both have little care for keeping up appearances.  We should all strive to maintain that standard of life.

Beginnings

   Being a single parent isn't something I ever thought I would be.  It wasn't something I could even fathom.  But there I was, with a three year old daughter and 10 week old twins and that was exactly what I was.  Shock, horror, embarrassment, panic, anger, and fear were just a few of the emotions that overtook my mind and body.  My husband of nearly 10 years announced to me one random day that he didn't love me and was leaving.  My pleas for marriage counseling to save our marriage fell on deaf ears.  His mind was made up and nothing I could say or do would make a difference.   As it turns out, he had been having an affair with a married woman almost 10 years his senior. So much for marriage vows.  As I blog, it seems the number 10 has much significance, but I digress.  

    There were subtle signs (not major signs as I am not an idiot or was not in denial) that only became apparent to me during the twins first few months of life.  Remember, I was adjusting to life with a three year old and newborn twins completely on my own.  Sleep was literally something of a fantasy.  My family lives approximately 300 miles away and quite frankly, I needed to learn to create my own routines independently as that is my reality. We had our family that was perfect but he was removed.   He left....early in the morning and didn't come home until really late.  Then he left...this time for good. 

   The thing is though, he didn't just leave me.  He left our kids.  He left our family.  It didn't seem to bother him at all which was terribly distressing to me.  His personality completely changed and with that so did his priorities.  His family, his morals, and his reputation all took a backseat to his new lifestyle.  To this day, he continues to deny that he left his family.  Maybe that is because he comes most every weekend to see the children.  That doesn't replace the role of husband and traditional father.  

  Presently, I am working full time, raising my children, and trying to keep my head above water.  Some days I feel like a failure while others I cannot believe that I have been able to do this on my own.  There are very dark days and days that are just radiant.  My children are all I truly have and my love for them is so strong that it is scary.  I am proud of myself, both scared and hopeful for my future, and really just learning like everyone else, whether a single parent or not.