Beginnings

   Being a single parent isn't something I ever thought I would be.  It wasn't something I could even fathom.  But there I was, with a three year old daughter and 10 week old twins and that was exactly what I was.  Shock, horror, embarrassment, panic, anger, and fear were just a few of the emotions that overtook my mind and body.  My husband of nearly 10 years announced to me one random day that he didn't love me and was leaving.  My pleas for marriage counseling to save our marriage fell on deaf ears.  His mind was made up and nothing I could say or do would make a difference.   As it turns out, he had been having an affair with a married woman almost 10 years his senior. So much for marriage vows.  As I blog, it seems the number 10 has much significance, but I digress.  

    There were subtle signs (not major signs as I am not an idiot or was not in denial) that only became apparent to me during the twins first few months of life.  Remember, I was adjusting to life with a three year old and newborn twins completely on my own.  Sleep was literally something of a fantasy.  My family lives approximately 300 miles away and quite frankly, I needed to learn to create my own routines independently as that is my reality. We had our family that was perfect but he was removed.   He left....early in the morning and didn't come home until really late.  Then he left...this time for good. 

   The thing is though, he didn't just leave me.  He left our kids.  He left our family.  It didn't seem to bother him at all which was terribly distressing to me.  His personality completely changed and with that so did his priorities.  His family, his morals, and his reputation all took a backseat to his new lifestyle.  To this day, he continues to deny that he left his family.  Maybe that is because he comes most every weekend to see the children.  That doesn't replace the role of husband and traditional father.  

  Presently, I am working full time, raising my children, and trying to keep my head above water.  Some days I feel like a failure while others I cannot believe that I have been able to do this on my own.  There are very dark days and days that are just radiant.  My children are all I truly have and my love for them is so strong that it is scary.  I am proud of myself, both scared and hopeful for my future, and really just learning like everyone else, whether a single parent or not.